Do you remember when you were in school and the six weeks holidays were like this magical time of reinvention, where you would vow to return to school looking better than ever? Every year in high school it got more and more intense, to the point that you left a girl and just a mere 6 weeks later you returned a woman… high heels, pencil skirt, highlights. I’m not talking about me obviously, I’m talking about a friend who absolutely nailed it that year. Even to this day, I can still picture her walking across the play ground, I was in awe because my reinvention had not gone to plan at all that particular year and that particular year, somehow seemed like it was the most important. I’ve always been someone who has put personal style way ahead of being pretty and this was no exception, I always had this niggling feeling (and still do) of don’t wear that, go for the pretty option but I never did/do. That summer I had spent quite a bit of time back in Manchester and seen people wearing particular things that I thought were MEGA cool. Growing up in Wales, I always thought Manchester was that fashion step ahead, so I took all my inspo from there but naturally my peers didn’t get it, because it was something different… which is why I did it I guess. That year for school, I wanted to get the shoes that everyone was wearing in Manchester and the lycra pencil skirt with splits up either side (sounds glorious doesn’t it?). I hunted high and low but the shoes I REALLY wanted were out of budget for school shoes, so I settled for a pair that were slightly similar but not quite right, this was the start of the disaster. From this, I sought out the perfect double split pencil skirt, I later realised that the splits were way too high, when I overheard someone commenting, “Is Laura’s skirt ripped?” Of course it’s not! This is the first day of school, my image peak, would I come to school with a ripped skirt you moron? But yeah, I got it really wrong that year, the year I wanted to get it right the most and from then on, I’ve pretty much felt the same… like I’m trying to be stylish but somehow not getting it quite right!
People have commented before about my “natural” style and how I put things together… but I don’t look effortlessly stylish, I always feel like I’m faking the “cool girl” image and half the time I’m just thinking, how have they not figured this out yet, how have they not realised that I’m not cool or stylish, at all. Now, more than ever, I just don’t seem to have a clue. I feel like I’ve lost my sense of style but not only that, I’ve lost my sense of self! Yep, we’re going DEEP!!!
In all honesty, lately I have never felt more unattractive, unproductive and just unknowing in my life and maybe this will go as quick as it came (although it has been a fair few months now, so feel free to bugger off a-SAP) but I question everything… like things I have liked in the past and I know I have enjoyed, I’m like, do I like that? Do I actually like that? I don’t remember? Like what music do I like? What do I like to read? Did I really love that film or love it because I thought I should?
I’m just questioning everything… which is really fun by the way!
Where is this going I hear you ask, well, those that are somewhat clued up (or just basically paid attention to the title), might have already spotted the signs that maybe, MAYBE, I am suffering with imposter syndrome. Probably like many others, let’s be fair… we live in a time where social media is life and whilst we know ourselves from the inside and therefore are constantly aware of our own anxieties, we only know others from the outside, so we only know of others what they tell us/show us and let’s face it, everyone’s just wanting to be their best selves on Instagram, Amiright?
Speaking of Instagram, I saw an image on there, that made me stop and have a little think and that’s where it all began, this idea that I am suffering with imposter syndrome (I mean I’m a depressive, I’m pretty much the perfect candidate for it right?), then I did some more research on School of Life (ALWAYS my go to when I want to learn something about something) and came across a video that pretty much summed it up (click to check it out).
This particular topic that I am referring to (style), may seem superficial but honestly, that is just one example of why I feel like an imposter, there are hundreds more. I never celebrate my achievements, I never want to talk about myself – genuinely feeling like why would anyone be interested in what I have to say? I always tell people I’m not a nice person because I think, well they’re going to find that out anyway and at least this way, it’s me telling them and not them telling me, right? I don’t come across as warm and friendly but maybe that’s not because that’s not who I am but more because that’s what I have forced upon myself and I’ve forced this upon myself for so long now, that I have made it my truth, when actually it isn’t, but it’s hard to break the habit of a lifetime.
I’ve always thought that that was just who I was, modest, I don’t have to shout about myself, I don’t have to be nice, hell I don’t even have to try because it will all just come out in the end that I’m a massive phoney, that I’m not nice, or clever, or interesting at all… I’ve been an imposter for so long that I have made it my truth. Now it all makes sense and maybe now I can begin to realise that, that’s not the case?! And that’s why I wanted to write about it and whilst doing so, maybe have a little word with myself and you (if you do or do not need to hear it). This isn’t ground breaking stuff, I know! But sometimes you just have to hear it again and again… and again! In this crazy world of social media, people can appear outwardly impressive and like they have their shit together but we’re all going through our own torments, guaranteed… we all feel not good enough, like we’re underachieving or that we’re being left behind (and a million other things) at some point but we are also all on our own path and comparison is a prick and the absolute thief of joy!
Really, we need to humanise the world and the people in it because I’m telling you now, “Kings and Philosophers shit and so do Ladies.”
🍞 x
w h i t e b r e a d 🍞 